Intermittent Windsheild Wipers

I’ve been driving for nearly 20 years and I still have not mastered the Intermittent wiper settings.  Always either too fast or too slow.  I just can’t do it.  I feel bad when I have passenger in the car and it’s lightly misting.  They must be in constant fear that I can’t see or I’m too distracted trying to locate the correct setting on the dial.  Or they’re just annoyed with the sound of wipers scraping the dry windshield.

Deion Sanders

Deion Sanders was sick. He was absolutely one of the most disgusting athletes of all time. And by “sick” and “disgusting” I mean “HE WAS FUCKING AWESOME!” I would suggest immediately searching “Deion Sanders Highlights” on your computer, but if you’re anything like me you’ll waste the next 3 hours of your life.

 

-Brohan

A Text Conversation with Jimbo

JIMBO

Brohan: hows michigan? aghh! 11:13AM

Jimbo: It’s good

Brohan: are you smokin hookahs? weed? Your dick?

Jimbo: Lots of weed

Brohan: fishy…..

Jimbo: There’s nothing fishin

Jimbo: I meant nothing fishy about that

Brohan: are you high right now?

Jimbo: Yeah I am

Jimbo: Had my first wake and bake then smoked right out the shower

Brohan: who do you think you are? Jim Morrison?

Jimbo: Yeah maybe I am. You should’ve seen me Friday and Saturday. I had more than 20 one hitters both days

Brohan: so youre better than me? agh!

Jimbo: This weekend I am the rest of the year you are

Brohan: ass and titties jimbo agh!

Jimbo: T&A T&A. Agh agh agh agh whooooooooooo 12:20PM

Estaban Loaiza Arrested for Possession of 44lbs of Cocaine!

Estaban

Former White Sox All-Star pitcher, Estaban Loaiza, was arrested for possession of 44lbs of Cocaine at his home in San Diego. Loiaza grew up in neighboring Tijuana, Mexico.

Police obtained a search warrant for Loaiza’s home when they found a sophisticated secret compartment inside of his car when he was pulled over for a minor traffic stop.
Wait, what the fuck? Estaban Loaiza?
I always remembered him as the balding, composed, White Sox pitcher who had a 20+ win season in 2003.
And now he’s moving in on El Chapo’s territory?
Loaiza earned north of $40 Million during his playing career.
Ah, hey buddy?…did ah…you not invest well?
Jesus Christ, did you piss all the $$ away?
Or are you just a thrill seeker who likes to smuggle blow across the Mexican border and then watch The Fast and The Furious when you get home?
And 44lbs? Ah…intent to sell much?
FORTY-FOUR, FUCK ME. Even if you’re having Scarface-esc cocaine parties you’d still have 41lbs left at the end of the night (morning).
We’ll, at least this does add some edginess to you.
Actually, when I really think about it, you’re kind of cooler now.
Oh well.

This Day in History: The First Issue of The New Yorker

The New Yorker

On this date in 1925, The New Yorker published its first issue.  I don’t know that I’ve ever bought an issue, but I have read some of the stuff that has been made available to me gratis.  Most of the stuff I don’t really understand and the stuff I do understand I find to be pretentious.  At least I think it’s pretentious if I actually do understand it.  I guess it’s not really targeted to the likes of me.  I was once reading out loud in an AP History class in high school that was probably over my head and pronounced the word “Hitherto” as “High-There-Toe.”  All those bastards who laughed at me are probably chuckling at a New Yorker cartoon right now.

 

Author’s Note:  I misspelled pretentious in two different fashions while drafting this piece.  Look for a Mnemonic Spelling to come!