Paul Hogan Ate Ramen At Oprah’s House
Today, we honor all of our President’s, but none more than William Howard Taft. His legacy is truly an inspiration to us all here at imgross. He is the only person in United States history to hold the office of both President and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. On top of that, he tipped the scales at over 350 lbs and allegedly once got his ass stuck in a bathtub. And all that before Taco Bell was founded!
I’ve thought more about communicating this message to a mass audience via gross blog more than any human should. Hours have been spent-stoned, reflecting on left turns of the day. Analyzing different aspects of creep-up techniques, gauging the risk of collision, picking my nose in a papasan chair. But I won’t bore you with the construction of my research, I won’t insult you with didactic diatribes about fiddling with your phone whilst driving. I give to you the nuts and bolts, the distilled essence of my findings, the-the cock and balls, if you will…
When turning left, do your best to give the person behind you at least A CHANCE of making the light as well.
“You know, we’re living in a SOCIETY.” – George Costanza (imgross influence #234)
You’ve made the conversion from XL to XXL
Your friends don’t find out that you’re “that fat” until they see you up on a ladder with your gut hanging out
For some people, seeing things through to the end can be difficult. The process start to finish for doing laundry is sometimes where this attribute becomes most evident. The process includes multiple steps:
We’re gross, so we don’t give a shit about putting our dirty undies in with the good linens, but we heard some people do it.
2. Wash cycle
Throw it in. Detergent needed. Fabric softener optional. Settings are dealer’s choice.
3. The change over to the dryer
A real key to the entire operation. Don’t let it sit in the washing machine too long after it’s done because if you do, your entire laundry room will smell like a dirty hobo on a rainy day.
4. Fold and categorize
I’m terrible at folding. I wish I had worked at Hollister in high school like my brother.
5. Put it away
Putting the clothes back in the drawer is really the part where I struggle. I know I could put these poorly folded items back in their proper place, but it is just so much easier to dig through the pile as items become necessary.
Let’s be honest, the crap you should give to The Salvation Army is in the drawers for a reason. Look, my Ultimate Warrior shirt is right on top of the pile! I don’t care that I wore it yesterday. I know it’s clean.
The 5 year marriage between Chuck and Tawny that lasted from 1997-2002, ended abruptly when she beat the shit out of him with a stiletto heel. Later during the divorce, she accused him of taking steroids and bragging about beating MLB’s drug testing (Who didn’t, right?) and also accused him of abusing drugs and alcohol. Chuck, however, took the high road and responded by saying, “I can’t believe she left out the crossdressing.”
Pitcher and Catcher are reporting to camps throughout Major League Spring Training today, and imgross has a bold prediction for this year’s AL Cy Young Award Winner:
You guessed it,
Bartolo Colon! Sure he’s in Texas Rangers camp on a minor league deal, but we got a feeling about this kid. If nothing else he’s winning a Grossy this year for Largest Jowls on a Pitcher over 40.