Today the artist who brought us hits like ”’Sledgehammer” turns 68. My brother still insists that the song is about his crank.
To the pedestrians that walk on the Chicago streets and sidewalks beside me,
Who the fuck do you people think you are? Who are your fucking parents? No, seriously, who raised you? Please introduce me to them so I can punch them square in the fucking nose. Because they raised you to be a complete asshole who is unaware of their surroundings. Why do you have no concept of social normalities and general public etiquette? Please let me fill you in on a few things that all us non-idiot pedestrians already know.
1. DO NOT WALK AT THE SAME PACE AS ME OR CLOSE TO ME- You’re not my fucking friend, so get the fuck away from me. I am walking by myself for a reason. If you come from around the corner and we end of pacing next to each other, either speed the fuck up or slow the fuck down. Again, I am not your friend so get the fuck away from me.
2. IF IT’S RAINING AND YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA DON’T WALK UNDER AN AWNING- Hi see me? I’m the guy getting wet because you have your cell phone in one hand with an Akira bag dangling off your wrist with a huge golf umbrella in the other keeping you dry. If you could take a time-out from talking to “Stef” and be aware of your surroundings I could continue to stay dry.
3. IF YOU’RE WALKING 3 PEOPLE SIDE BY SIDE BY SIDE AND A PERSON COMES IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AS YOU, MAYBE ONE OF YOU SHOULD FALL IN LINE SO I DON’T HAVE TO STEP IN THE MUD YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLE- I know “I’m just some scumbag with his hood up and a beard,” but it would be great if my fucking socks could stay dry because I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me.
1. Wearing North Face jackets
2. Asking for “a free cup for water” at fast food restaurants
3. Cheering ridiculously intense for their college alma mater’s sports teams
4. Wearing straight brim hats with stickers on them
5. Having “5 O’ Clock Shadow Beards” everyday of their lives. Or as Alec would say “George Michael Beard.”
Sorry. “Affy Tapples” are exceedingly gross. There are never crisp, juicy apples underneath that caramel varnish. It’s always a bruised, yellow, soft piece of shit. Oh, you put some shitty nuts on top to try and distract me? Fuck you. Where’d I buy this again? Walgreens? Fuck. I’m such a moron. Knew I shouldn’t have put 3K on the Brewers to win the NL pennant. What the fuck was I thinking? I need a drink…
Who is in charge of creating “Drink Recipes” for Burger King? What a joke. Let’s break down these brilliant ideas…
Today we honor the brief dalliance between Hall of Fame Second Baseman Roberto Alomar and model Maripily Rivera.
The quick highlights from their love affair:
- She vehemently defended Alomar in 2009 when an ex-girlfriend accused him of knowingly infecting her with HIV.
- A year later in divorce proceedings, Maripily accused him of the same thing!*
- It’s too bad they didn’t make it, because based on her physique I think they could have had one hell of a power hitter.
*IMPORTANT NOTE: No conclusive proof exist that Alomar has HIV
And happy belated birthday to Robbie! He turned 50 on Monday!