Is Jeff Bezos Jacked?

I was going to write something about how Bezos’ head is always completely shorn in photographs and it creeps me out, but then I saw this picture.  Dude looks like an action hero.  Or at least JK Simmons.  I guess if I had $100 BIllion, I would want to get in really good shape so I could live longer and try to spend it all on comic books and candy.

Mistaken Song Lyrics: ‘Drunk on a Plane’ by Dierks Bentley

Actual lyrics:

Buyin’ drinks for everybody
But the pilot, it’s a party

What I thought:

Buyin’ drinks for everybody
Fuck the pilot, it’s a party


Well shit.  I interpreted it as the pilot coming out of the cockpit after reaching cruising altitude saying, “Hey, what’s going on back here?”

And everybody who is getting loaded in the cabin being like, “Hey, fuck you, dad, why don’t you get back in there and fly the plane and leave us the hell alone?”

I guess it makes more sense that he wasn’t buying the pilot drinks because he had to fly the plane to Cancun.

6 More Years!!! 6 More Years!!!

Vladimir Putin won an overwhelming victory yesterday by taking 76% of the vote in the Russian Presidential election.  The victory means that Putin will be either Head of Government (Prime Minister 2008-2012) or Head of State ( President 2000-2008, 2012-2024) of the Russian government for 24 straight years.  While Americans may frown upon this, two things are worth noting:

  1. At 76%, they have a clear consensus.
  2. At least they held the election on a Sunday, so everyone who wanted to pledge their allegiance to President Putin wouldn’t have to miss work.

Please don’t hack us, Comrades!


Drunk Reveller Wonders if he Partied Hard Enough

St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone for another year, and local man Sean Harrington, 28, can’t help but wonder if he did it right.  “It only falls on an actual Saturday every handful of years, so you gotta make sure you do it right,” he said.  He spent the morning eating powder eggs and cheap domestic beer, dyed green, and then made his way on an alcohol fueled, haphazard pub crawl.

“I lost most of my friends by about 1 or 2 PM,” Harrington vaguely recalled.  “My last clear memory is of doing a car bomb and then pissing in an alley.  It’s like I vaguely recall puking, I think I saw some boobs, and I definitely pissed myself when I passed out on my couch, but was it enough?”

Was it enough, indeed.  The question will plague Harrington until 2029, the next time St. Patrick’s Day will fall on a Saturday.

Have a Gross Weekend

When I was a kid, I always thought the green Chicago River looked like the dip Judge Doom used to kill toons in ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’

Jumping in will probably earn you the same fate date as the toons.

Try to avoid urinating, vomiting or defecating on your neighbor’s lawn this weekend.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Rooster Icy Mint

A dear friend of mine once loved the BOLDER FLAVOR of Rooster Icy Mint and threatened to buy up the remaining stock before it was discontinued.  He did not make good on the threat as he was not financially stable at the time.  I’m offering a reward of $100 for any cryogenically frozen or otherwise reasonably preserved tins of Rooster Icy Mint still in existence.

I often think of what life would be like if I crashed on a deserted island. All I think about it how I would kick my habit of every day eating one low-fat 1% milk fat mozzarella cheese stick brought to you by Happy Farms from ALDI.   What would I do?  Turn to Alchemy probably.

Best not to think about it.

Hunting on The Oregon Trail

I’m really starting to miss when the easiest part of video games was also the most fun.  Shoot a buffalo that moves across the screen at a frame per second: 100 lbs to feed your family.  Shoot a rabbit that is 1/20th the size that moves across the screen at 20 frames per second:  You’re going to die out here.

Also, with all the wagon tongues I’ve been fixing, I should be getting more jacked, and thus able to carry at least 20 more pounds of buffalo meat.  120 lbs should get us to Walla Walla.


$12K for Feral Cats

This article in the Trib caught my eye yesterday. It’s about the residents of West Town raising $12,000 to care for a feral cat colony after their carektaker, a homeless man, froze to death.

Yeah, you read that right.  A human froze to death because he didn’t have proper shelter.  He was living in a makeshift shack in an alley.  But don’t worry, his colony of feral cats will be looked after.

$12,000 could have put the guy up in a decent apartment, or helped him get a job (teach a man to fish), but instead it will now go to ensuring that his colony of feral cats get only the finest IAMS.  Although, from the fundraiser page, it sounds like they have plenty of rats to eat.