St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone for another year, and local man Sean Harrington, 28, can’t help but wonder if he did it right. “It only falls on an actual Saturday every handful of years, so you gotta make sure you do it right,” he said. He spent the morning eating powder eggs and cheap domestic beer, dyed green, and then made his way on an alcohol fueled, haphazard pub crawl.
“I lost most of my friends by about 1 or 2 PM,” Harrington vaguely recalled. “My last clear memory is of doing a car bomb and then pissing in an alley. It’s like I vaguely recall puking, I think I saw some boobs, and I definitely pissed myself when I passed out on my couch, but was it enough?”
Was it enough, indeed. The question will plague Harrington until 2029, the next time St. Patrick’s Day will fall on a Saturday.
When I was a kid, I always thought the green Chicago River looked like the dip Judge Doom used to kill toons in ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’
Jumping in will probably earn you the same fate date as the toons.
Try to avoid urinating, vomiting or defecating on your neighbor’s lawn this weekend. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
A dear friend of mine once loved the BOLDER FLAVOR of Rooster Icy Mint and threatened to buy up the remaining stock before it was discontinued. He did not make good on the threat as he was not financially stable at the time. I’m offering a reward of $100 for any cryogenically frozen or otherwise reasonably preserved tins of Rooster Icy Mint still in existence.
I often think of what life would be like if I crashed on a deserted island. All I think about it how I would kick my habit of every day eating one low-fat 1% milk fat mozzarella cheese stick brought to you by Happy Farms from ALDI. What would I do? Turn to Alchemy probably.
Best not to think about it.
I’m really starting to miss when the easiest part of video games was also the most fun. Shoot a buffalo that moves across the screen at a frame per second: 100 lbs to feed your family. Shoot a rabbit that is 1/20th the size that moves across the screen at 20 frames per second: You’re going to die out here.
Also, with all the wagon tongues I’ve been fixing, I should be getting more jacked, and thus able to carry at least 20 more pounds of buffalo meat. 120 lbs should get us to Walla Walla.
This article in the Trib caught my eye yesterday. It’s about the residents of West Town raising $12,000 to care for a feral cat colony after their carektaker, a homeless man, froze to death.
Yeah, you read that right. A human froze to death because he didn’t have proper shelter. He was living in a makeshift shack in an alley. But don’t worry, his colony of feral cats will be looked after.
$12,000 could have put the guy up in a decent apartment, or helped him get a job (teach a man to fish), but instead it will now go to ensuring that his colony of feral cats get only the finest IAMS. Although, from the fundraiser page, it sounds like they have plenty of rats to eat.
Even in the picture she looks like she’s thinking, “I know what you’re up to, motherfucker.” And he’s thinking, “She knows what I’m up to. Motherfucker.”
Tiger seems to be back on his feet and we couldn’t be happier for him. She got $100 Million in the divorce and we couldn’t be happier for her too. All’s well that ends well I say.
Happy Pie Day! Or Pi Day….I don’t think any of this is too official. But it’s probably a good idea to get in with the crowd on this one. I suggest going for a nice French Silk Pie from Baker’s Square.
Eat about half to three-quarters of it with a pint of milk and you’ll drift off to a nice restful sleep. I find it’s far more satisfying than taking an Acetaminophen PM (Tylenol PM is for elitists).
The famed physicist, mathematician, and overall genius passed away yesterday at 76.
Our favorite quote of his:
If I had a time machine, I’d visit Marilyn Monroe in her prime or drop in on Galileo as he turned his telescope to the heavens.
Even he was conflicted. But we’re confident he’d make the right choice.
The nerd with the telescope can wait.
97.9 sits almost exactly in the middle of my vehicle’s preset radio stations, that range from 87.7 to 107.5. The Loop converting to a Christian music station basically means I’d have to change a handful of presets to keep them in numerical order. Something I have neither the patience nor the will to do.
I guess I’ll have to find a station between 97.1 and 99.5 or start getting right with the Lord.
A Careless Chef Offered Michael Moore Opulent Desserts After The Entree