Michael Imperioli Never Used Scented Candles Until Last Easter
- 1 lb ground beef (Buy the 3-pack, you know, for the savings)
- 1 romaine heart
- 1 tomato
- 1 bag of Happy Farms Shredded Cheddar Cheese (sure you could get the “Taco” cheese, but if you’re shopping at ALDI, you’re no going for authentic cuisine in the first place)
- 1 16 oz Happy Farms Sour Cream (buy the big one, you know, for the savings). OR, if you’re on a diet, you could get the Fit N’ Active Sour Cream
- 1 package Casa Mamita’s Flour Tortillas (The big ones), OR you could go hard shell, but you’re risking cutting the roof of your mouth
- 1 Casa Mamita’s Taco Seasoning package
- Jar of Casa Mamita’s Medium Salsa (or Chipotle Lime Salsa if you’re feeling wild)
- Finely chop the romaine heart into small pieces of lettuce. This will save time chewing later when you’re shoving this in your mouth.
- Chop the Tomato as you like
- Brown the ground beef in a frying pan after you spray it with Carlini Canola Cooking Spray*. Wait, did I forget to put that in with the ingredients? Well, you’ll need that too.
- Drain the beef grease down the sink. If your plumber told you not to do that anymore, use the toilet.
- Add Casa Mamita’s Seasoning and 1/3 CUP OF WATER. The instructions are going to tell you to use 2/3 cup of water, but if you do that, you’re gonna have a goddamn slosh pit when you go to eat. In addition, I think they say something about simmering in the seasoning for some ridiculous time period like 15 minutes. Fuck that. Once all the meat is covered in seasoning, you’re good to go.
- Grab a tortilla and slather it in sour cream (You’ll want to do this first to get an even distribution of sour cream).
- Pile the ingredients in any order you please on to the tortilla.
- Eat over the sink.
Suggested Beverage Pairings:
ALDI Folded Mountains Pale Ale (Domestic)
ALDI Monterrey Cerveza (Imported)
ALDI Summit Mountain Frost (For pregnant women, recovering alcoholics and people with stuff to do later)
*This is what I would use if my old lady didn’t make me use avocado oil. Very Bougie.
There is just better technology out there, namely the other three items on the list. Even a set of tongs beats chopsticks. If you’re insisting on using them to adhere to the authenticity of the dish, you should reevaluate. If you use them because you say, “I’m good with chopsticks,” then you should consider that just because someone is good with a rotary phone, it doesn’t mean they should keep using it.
Good for stabbing. The tines really provide an advantage. And if you really think about it, the fork is basically just four really small chopsticks. The ranking of the fork vs. the spoon was a hotly contested subject within the writer’s office, but ultimately it was decided you can eat more things with a spoon that you can eat with a fork rather than vice-versa (see item #2 for further detail).
A small cup on the end of a stick. Pretty genius really. As mentioned in item #3, the decision between using a fork or a spoon can be vexing, but the spoon usually wins. When I see people eating mac and cheese or fried rice with a fork, I think, “Hey, friend, you could be getting more of that into your face faster with a spoon.” The spoon is also essential for soup and cereal.
It combines all the advantages of both the fork and spoon as the portmanteau suggests. The first believed precursor to the sprork was patented by Samuel W. Francis in 1874. Francis’ design included a knife-edge on the utensil, which means he must have forgotten you need to stick it in your mouth. My experience with the spork originates with Taco Bell. The Bell is one of the great innovators of our time in the culinary world, so it’s no surprise that they are also providing state-of-the-art utensils. Additionally the Taco Bell spork is made from durable plastic and can either be discarded, recycled or even reused making it a winner for people of all environmental proclivities.
Now, I’m sure there’s a smartass reading this thinking, “Oh, yeah, sure buddy, try to eat spaghetti with a spork.” To that person I say, “It’s easier than eating cottage cheese with chopsticks. And I know because I’ve tried both.”
More of a chaise longue than a couch.
- How old is this chair?
- Does this place have termites?
- What have I eaten today?
- Am I injured?
- What happened in my life that led me to sitting down in this particular chair, in this particular moment, and led me to being too great a burden for it to fulfill its most basic function?
Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche is famous a number of things, but one thing about him has always stuck with me. Towards the end of his life he had a complete mental breakdown that required him to be cared for around the clock by family members until his death at age 56. The breakdown is rumored to have been initiated when he witnessed a horse being flogged in the town square of Turin, Italy. Nietzsche was so overcome with emotion that he began to cry and threw his arms around the horse’s neck and never said anything that made sense ever again. The incident is recounted in the 2011 Hungarian Film ‘The Turin Horse’. I’ve never seen the movie, but is sounds smart to reference it and be aware of its existence.
Some days, I can really understand where Nietzsche was coming from. I recently had to pull the car over when Sarah McLachlan’s “Building a Mystery” came on the radio. I think it was the part in the second or third verse about waking up screaming that got me.