Happy President’s Day

Today, we honor all of our President’s, but none more than William Howard Taft.  His legacy is truly an inspiration to us all here at imgross.  He is the only person in United States history to hold the office of both President and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.  On top of that, he tipped the scales at over 350 lbs and allegedly once got his ass stuck in a bathtub.  And all that before Taco Bell was founded!

imgross PSA: Learn How to Left Turn

Left Turn

I’ve thought more about communicating this message to a mass audience via gross blog more than any human should.  Hours have been spent-stoned, reflecting on left turns of the day.  Analyzing different aspects of creep-up techniques, gauging the risk of collision, picking my nose in a papasan chair.  But I won’t bore you with the construction of my research, I won’t insult you with didactic diatribes about fiddling with your phone whilst driving.  I give to you the nuts and bolts, the distilled essence of my findings, the-the cock and balls, if you will…

When turning left, do your best to give the person behind you at least A CHANCE of making the light as well.

 

Thanks a lot.

 

“You know, we’re living in a SOCIETY.” – George Costanza (imgross influence #234)

Secret Fat Guy

secret fat guy shirt
Secret fat guys, You know who you are…..
You’re the guy who has let himself go a little post high school/college (when you were in shape) all the while, you have maintained the appearance of an “average sized person”
You also have kept the appearance of a “skinny face,” possibly using some form of deception (Chin-Strap Beard) and the nacho and beer weight that has missed your face has been converted to ass fat and belly jiggles
You hide your man-boobs and love handles with well placed jacket, hoodie, or button up shirt

You’ve made the conversion from XL to XXL

Your friends don’t find out that you’re “that fat” until they see you up on a ladder with your gut hanging out

Secret fat guys…..you’re not fooling anyone….or are you?
-Brohan

The Struggle with Laundry

For some people, seeing things through to the end can be difficult.  The process start to finish for doing laundry is sometimes where this attribute becomes most evident.  The process includes multiple steps:

1. Sorting

We’re gross, so we don’t give a shit about putting our dirty undies in with the good linens, but we heard some people do it.

2. Wash cycle

Throw it in.  Detergent needed.  Fabric softener optional.  Settings are dealer’s choice.

3. The change over to the dryer

A real key to the entire operation.  Don’t let it sit in the washing machine too long after it’s done because if you do, your entire laundry room will smell like a dirty hobo on a rainy day.

4. Fold and categorize

I’m terrible at folding.  I wish I had worked at Hollister in high school like my brother.

5.  Put it away

Putting the clothes back in the drawer is really the part where I struggle.  I know I could put these poorly folded items back in their proper place, but it is just so much easier to dig through the pile as items become necessary.

Let’s be honest, the crap you should give to The Salvation Army is in the drawers for a reason. Look, my Ultimate Warrior shirt is right on top of the pile!  I don’t care that I wore it yesterday.  I know it’s clean.

 

 

Thursday is for Lovers: Chuck Finley and Tawny Kitaen

The 5 year marriage between Chuck and Tawny that lasted from 1997-2002, ended abruptly when she beat the shit out of him with a stiletto heel.  Later during the divorce, she accused him of taking steroids and bragging about beating MLB’s drug testing (Who didn’t, right?) and also accused him of abusing drugs and alcohol.  Chuck, however, took the high road and responded by saying, “I can’t believe she left out the crossdressing.”

Pitchers and Catchers Report to Camp

Pitcher and Catcher are reporting to camps throughout Major League Spring Training today, and imgross has a bold prediction for this year’s AL Cy Young Award Winner:

 

 

 

You guessed it,

 

 

 

 

 

Bartolo Colon!  Sure he’s in Texas Rangers camp on a minor league deal, but we got a feeling about this kid.  If nothing else he’s winning a Grossy this year for Largest Jowls on a Pitcher over 40.