imgross PSA: Learn How to Left Turn

Left Turn

I’ve thought more about communicating this message to a mass audience via gross blog more than any human should.  Hours have been spent-stoned, reflecting on left turns of the day.  Analyzing different aspects of creep-up techniques, gauging the risk of collision, picking my nose in a papasan chair.  But I won’t bore you with the construction of my research, I won’t insult you with didactic diatribes about fiddling with your phone whilst driving.  I give to you the nuts and bolts, the distilled essence of my findings, the-the cock and balls, if you will…

When turning left, do your best to give the person behind you at least A CHANCE of making the light as well.

 

Thanks a lot.

 

“You know, we’re living in a SOCIETY.” – George Costanza (imgross influence #234)

Affy Tapples gross…

Sorry.  “Affy Tapples” are exceedingly gross.  There are never crisp, juicy apples underneath that caramel varnish.  It’s always a bruised, yellow, soft piece of shit.  Oh, you put some shitty nuts on top to try and distract me?  Fuck you.  Where’d I buy this again?  Walgreens?  Fuck.  I’m such a moron.  Knew I shouldn’t have put 3K on the Brewers to win the NL pennant.  What the fuck was I thinking?  I need a drink…

Burger King Soda Fountain “Drink Recipes” a Sham

Who is in charge of creating “Drink Recipes” for Burger King?  What a joke.  Let’s break down these brilliant ideas…

Half & Half
 
1/2 Coke 1/2 Diet Coke is the laziest suggestion on here.  If consumers can’t figure this one out for themselves they need to die a quicker death. Think needle-drugs, not 2 for 1 Original Chicken sandwiches.  Extra negative points for not giving credit to Jack Black for this “new drink” when he mentioned it in 2001’s Tenacious D album on track 19 (Drive-Thru).  F+   Click.
Black & White
 
The fact that the “white” part of this drink is illustrated in green should alone have disqualified it from making this list.  Not to mention the fact that it already has a name.  Bar/Restaurant Ginger Ale.  Terrible.
Four Way
 
This one is a blatant rip off every 6-year-old knows as A Tornado.  You’re better off telling people to “just mix everything together” instead of having them understand fractions.  (Not to mention that the name is sexually suggestive and without fail always tastes like shit)
 
 
Black Gold
 
If you’re cutting Dr. Pepper with anything, it should be Southern Comfort, however in this case Black Gold fails because Dr. Pepper is basically perfect as a soda pop and shouldn’t be fucked with. I’ll stick with a good old original.
Dr. Pepper over a lot of ice.

Worst Movie of all Time Nominee #71: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure sucks so bad I don’t know where to begin.

 

Fifteen years (1989/2004) after the original, Randy Quaid is back playing Cousin Eddie although you can barely tell. Its like his soul fled up to Canada to escape the “Hollywood Killers” and his sweaty, bloated body stayed back in L.A. to do this piece of shit.

The terrible plot revolves around Cousin Eddie getting fired from his job at a nuclear facility then getting bitten on the ass by his coworker (a monkey) before he leaves. Too stupid to realize he should sue, he accepts an all-expense-paid-vacation to the South Pacific for him and his family as severance. Crazy/grumpy Uncle Nick (Ed Asner) provides relief from the comedy with his courtship of attractive female tour guides and jokes about crapping. Cousin Audrey joins the clan as National Lampoon makes us endure the “Audrey just broke up with her boyfriend and will never love again” routine while Eric Idle cameos as the “English guy who gets accidentally beat up a lot” for yet another vacation. At some point, the entire family is shipwrecked on a remote island but they don’t let that ruin their Christmas! Cousin Eddie and the family survive after making drinking cups out of coconuts and clothes out of palm tree leaves!

Holy hell is this movie terrible. I think it was a Made-For-TV movie and then TV was like, “Nah, we don’t want it.” I kept thinking an ABC watermark should be in the corner of the screen. Pretty sure they made Randy Quaid do all his own stunts, too. He’s gotta be lower on the food chain than Hollywood stuntmen.

Don’tsee this movie. It’s not, “so bad its good” no matter how high you are.

Fred Willard co-stars.

New study shows people have no idea how to be funny while inhaling helium

An independent study conducted this New Year's Eve found that a striking majority of humans just don't have what it takes to make people laugh when thrust onto the stage of saying something funny while having a higher-than-normal voice.
 
Researchers from Northwestern University recorded 150 hours of conversation at 32 different imgross-sponsored New Year's Eve parties to study why people often fumble over their words when inhaling helium from balloons.  According to the results, 97% of adult humans can not make a group of people laugh when doing so.  Subjects generally tend to get distracted by the euphoria of having a high voice (or just the event they are attending as a whole) and they forget to think about what actual words will be coming out of their mouths in the coming moments.  A microcosm of common human behavior, they simply forget to think ahead.
 
"Panic sets in, and they revert to well-known songs or xmas carols, references to television's Alvin & The Chipmunks, and some just say, 'Hi!' then laugh.  That is the worst." says Dr. Marie Davidson of NU who led research on the study.  "Composure is key.  Most people aren't funny to begin with and that, coupled with the added pressure of a self-imposed spotlight during a time when not enough oxygen gets to the brain makes for some pretty unfunny and awkward babbling."
 
The funny 3% entertained parties at all times of the night with helium-based jokes ranging from alt-fart humor to bluegrass covers and included a once in a lifetime coked up/helium-voiced verbatim interpretation of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Oscar acceptance speech at the 69th annual Academy Awards by imgross ceo Scott.
 
The study's full findings will be published sometime later this year.
 
Some suggestions for what to say while inhaling helium in the meantime, from the imgross staff:
 
"Say, 'Oh my god is this truth helium?! I have AIDS!"- Phatphucker
"Smashmouth's 'Walkin' on the Sun in more of a poem form." - alec
"The Pledge of Allegiance.  Louder." - Brohan
"Recite Nick Cage's famous 'Glass or plastic!? Glass or plastic!?!?' scene from The Rock" - Webmaster Phelps
"Shakespeare's Sonnet 30." - The Ghost of Senator Robert Bryd
"Just do your best Justin Hawkins impression." - Adam
"Who caaares?  Go Pats!" - Myles Kennefick
"This...is my butthole (pulls pants down and presents own butthole for display)." - ceo Scott