The Loop Going Christian Really Fucks My Presets

97.9 sits almost exactly in the middle of my vehicle’s preset radio stations, that range from 87.7 to 107.5. The Loop converting to a Christian music station basically means I’d have to change a handful of presets to keep them in numerical order. Something I have neither the patience nor the will to do.

I guess I’ll have to find a station between 97.1 and 99.5 or start getting right with the Lord.

Sip, Scratch, Score!

Dunkin Donuts has to be losing their ass in free hash browns. Long gone is the time when you actually had to know something to score.

You can just bust out that turbo space phone in your pocket and BAM, you know which county the English sitcom ‘Fawlty Towers’ was set.

These days you don’t even have to have the patience and discipline to get to a computer, remember you have your winning scratch ticket in your pocket, and refrain from looking at pornography or cute kitten videos before looking up the answer.

A simpler time if you ask me.

Betting on the Wrong Horse

The scenario pops up quite frequently.  You’re going to grab some cash at the local bank and both of the lobby ATMs are occupied.  There’s no chance you’re going to go talk to a human, so going to the guy or gal behind the bulletproof glass is out of the question.  You can try to employ the “split the difference” method and stand in a position where you’re kind of in both lines, but eventually you’ll feel someone approaching from behind.  This will force your hand to make a decision.  There are several factors to consider at this point when choosing which line:

  • What phase of the transaction are each of the ATM users at?  Seeing a receipt coming out of the machine has a high correlation with the transaction being over.  However, sometimes people like to make deposits and withdrawals at the same time.  Seems like robbing Peter to pay Peter to me.
  • Does one of these people look like the kind of asshole that doesn’t have direct deposit?  Or worse, is it a kid with a stack of checks from his High School graduation party?
  • Who looks more technical, and thus less likely to struggle with the prompts from the ATM, even though they haven’t changed much since the ATM was invented?
  • Is one of them doing a “poo-poo pee-pee” dance, indicating they have to find a toilet?  Not crapping your pants in public should really be the base of the pyramid in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

The situation is so fluid and dynamic that many other factors are worth considering as well, but ultimately, you know you’ll choose the wrong line.  Then, the person that creeped up behind you earlier will hold a silent celebration as they type in their PIN number, knowing they’ve beat you in the game of life.

imgross PSA: Learn How to Left Turn

Left Turn

I’ve thought more about communicating this message to a mass audience via gross blog more than any human should.  Hours have been spent-stoned, reflecting on left turns of the day.  Analyzing different aspects of creep-up techniques, gauging the risk of collision, picking my nose in a papasan chair.  But I won’t bore you with the construction of my research, I won’t insult you with didactic diatribes about fiddling with your phone whilst driving.  I give to you the nuts and bolts, the distilled essence of my findings, the-the cock and balls, if you will…

When turning left, do your best to give the person behind you at least A CHANCE of making the light as well.


Thanks a lot.


“You know, we’re living in a SOCIETY.” – George Costanza (imgross influence #234)

Secret Fat Guy

secret fat guy shirt
Secret fat guys, You know who you are…..
You’re the guy who has let himself go a little post high school/college (when you were in shape) all the while, you have maintained the appearance of an “average sized person”
You also have kept the appearance of a “skinny face,” possibly using some form of deception (Chin-Strap Beard) and the nacho and beer weight that has missed your face has been converted to ass fat and belly jiggles
You hide your man-boobs and love handles with well placed jacket, hoodie, or button up shirt

You’ve made the conversion from XL to XXL

Your friends don’t find out that you’re “that fat” until they see you up on a ladder with your gut hanging out

Secret fat guys…’re not fooling anyone….or are you?

Sidewalk Etiquette

To the pedestrians that walk on the Chicago streets and sidewalks beside me,
Who the fuck do you people think you are? Who are your fucking parents? No, seriously, who raised you? Please introduce me to them so I can punch them square in the fucking nose. Because they raised you to be a complete asshole who is unaware of their surroundings. Why do you have no concept of social normalities and general public etiquette? Please let me fill you in on a few things that all us non-idiot pedestrians already know.

1. DO NOT WALK AT THE SAME PACE AS ME OR CLOSE TO ME- You’re not my fucking friend, so get the fuck away from me. I am walking by myself for a reason. If you come from around the corner and we end of pacing next to each other, either speed the fuck up or slow the fuck down. Again, I am not your friend so get the fuck away from me.

2. IF IT’S RAINING AND YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA DON’T WALK UNDER AN AWNING- Hi see me? I’m the guy getting wet because you have your cell phone in one hand with an Akira bag dangling off your wrist with a huge golf umbrella in the other keeping you dry. If you could take a time-out from talking to “Stef” and be aware of your surroundings I could continue to stay dry.

3. IF YOU’RE WALKING 3 PEOPLE SIDE BY SIDE BY SIDE AND A PERSON COMES IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AS YOU, MAYBE ONE OF YOU SHOULD FALL IN LINE SO I DON’T HAVE TO STEP IN THE MUD YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLE- I know “I’m just some scumbag with his hood up and a beard,” but it would be great if my fucking socks could stay dry because I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me.

Fuck you,