Affy Tapples gross…

Sorry.  “Affy Tapples” are exceedingly gross.  There are never crisp, juicy apples underneath that caramel varnish.  It’s always a bruised, yellow, soft piece of shit.  Oh, you put some shitty nuts on top to try and distract me?  Fuck you.  Where’d I buy this again?  Walgreens?  Fuck.  I’m such a moron.  Knew I shouldn’t have put 3K on the Brewers to win the NL pennant.  What the fuck was I thinking?  I need a drink…

Burger King Soda Fountain “Drink Recipes” a Sham

Who is in charge of creating “Drink Recipes” for Burger King?  What a joke.  Let’s break down these brilliant ideas…

Half & Half
1/2 Coke 1/2 Diet Coke is the laziest suggestion on here.  If consumers can’t figure this one out for themselves they need to die a quicker death. Think needle-drugs, not 2 for 1 Original Chicken sandwiches.  Extra negative points for not giving credit to Jack Black for this “new drink” when he mentioned it in 2001’s Tenacious D album on track 19 (Drive-Thru).  F+   Click.
Black & White
The fact that the “white” part of this drink is illustrated in green should alone have disqualified it from making this list.  Not to mention the fact that it already has a name.  Bar/Restaurant Ginger Ale.  Terrible.
Four Way
This one is a blatant rip off every 6-year-old knows as A Tornado.  You’re better off telling people to “just mix everything together” instead of having them understand fractions.  (Not to mention that the name is sexually suggestive and without fail always tastes like shit)
Black Gold
If you’re cutting Dr. Pepper with anything, it should be Southern Comfort, however in this case Black Gold fails because Dr. Pepper is basically perfect as a soda pop and shouldn’t be fucked with. I’ll stick with a good old original.
Dr. Pepper over a lot of ice.

Top 10 Sexually Suggestive Foods

1.  Bananas- Looks like a dick and is always usually used in health class to demonstrate the proper usage of a condom.
2.  Kielbasa Sausage- Looks lick a dick, its name is sausage, kielbasa is fun to say
3.  Watermelons- Slang term for tits and kinda looks like huge ones.
4.   Pepperoni-  Slang term for pronounced nipples.
5.  Oysters- considered an aphrodisiac
6.  Grapes- Have them fed to you by beautiful women
7.  Edible Underwear- I assume most consider this a food, it falls somewhere in the candy category, and especially because I eat it daily.
8.  Chicken Breast- obvious
9. Whipped Cream- put it on nipples, make a smiley face, lick it off, do a whip it, whatever
10. Avacados- I hear it makes your penis hard

Domino’s Thinks We’re Stupid

I will be the first to admit that the first time I saw this commercial I laughed pretty hard.  Perhaps because it is reminiscent of Chris Columbus’ classic ‘Home Alone’ or perhaps it is because I just enjoy a good banana peel gag.  However, there is something a bit more sinister afoot in this commercial.

Domino’s thinks I’m a stupid asshole.  The utter lack of confidence they have in the average consumer to get from their store to the kitchen table without dropping a pizza pie on the ground (or otherwise rendering it inedible) is astounding.  But, even more aggravating is that they think it is a viable marketing tool to insure the pizza “at no cost to you.”  My old man didn’t raise a fool.  There is no such thing as a free pizza.  This means that myself and the rest of the responsible pizza carrying public are paying for this doofus’ free pizza, all because he wasn’t responsible enough to get food, that was in a protective box, from A to B.  I will take my business to Pizza Hut and save myself $0.03 in hidden fees.  Caveat Emptor.

The logistics of the whole thing kind of blow my mind as well.  I would say that no one could have so little pride that they would be willing to walk back into a Domino’s and admit they were not capable of taking a pizza to their home without destroying it, but I’m not that sure about people today.  Yes, if this was 1991 and my dad went to get a pizza to get his four screaming asshole kids to shut the fuck up, and he somehow didn’t get the pizza home, there is no fucking way he’s going back.  He’s either swinging by McDonald’s or he’s just getting on the expressway and never looking back.

Now me, I’d maybe go back, but there’s zero chance I’m asking them to give me a free pizza.  My shame would force me to make up a story about how I either gave it to a more needy person or I had some unexpected guests coming for dinner and needed to purchase an additional pizza.  And I’m calling that motherfucker in on my way back.  There’s no way I’m sitting there for the 11-14 minutes it takes for them to prep and flash cook that thing while they all stare at me, poking holes in my bullshit story about why I need another pie.

But Dakota, he’s got no problem walking into that Domino’s saying, “Hey, maaaan, I like, dropped my zza maaaan.  Good thing you guys gave me the free insurance. #blessed”

$1 Nacho Fries

Taco Bell, stop drilling. You’ve struck oil. You don’t need to put that handsome son-of-a-bitch Josh Duhamel in an ad campaign to get me to try $1 nacho fries. The price is definitely right. You have an incredibly strong track record of innovation. And most importantly: I’m a fat piece of crap who loves cheese fries.