Pie Day

 

Happy Pie Day! Or Pi Day….I don’t think any of this is too official. But it’s probably a good idea to get in with the crowd on this one. I suggest going for a nice French Silk Pie from Baker’s Square.

Eat about half to three-quarters of it with a pint of milk and you’ll drift off to a nice restful sleep. I find it’s far more satisfying than taking an Acetaminophen PM (Tylenol PM is for elitists).

Sip, Scratch, Score!

Dunkin Donuts has to be losing their ass in free hash browns. Long gone is the time when you actually had to know something to score.

You can just bust out that turbo space phone in your pocket and BAM, you know which county the English sitcom ‘Fawlty Towers’ was set.

These days you don’t even have to have the patience and discipline to get to a computer, remember you have your winning scratch ticket in your pocket, and refrain from looking at pornography or cute kitten videos before looking up the answer.

A simpler time if you ask me.

Wimpy Diet

I’ve been on a Wimpy Diet lately.
Not like weak “I can’t lift this” wimpy, but like Wimpy from Popeye, Wimpy.
Like I am only eating burgers.
My food pyramid consist of ground beef at the top, and whatever the fuck else comes on my burger at the bottom.
I’ve been familiar with these burgers in the last week:
Wendy’s – Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger aka JBC (2)
McDonald’s – McDouble (Add Mac Sauce) (2)
Chili’s – Bacon Smokehouse Burger
Lion Head Pub, Chicago – Grilled Cheese Cheese Burger
And to top it off, because I am committed to this diet, I had ALDI TACO NIGHT last night.
-Brohan

imgross ALDI Taco Night Recipe

Ingredients:

  1. 1 lb ground beef (Buy the 3-pack, you know, for the savings)
  2. 1 romaine heart
  3. 1 tomato
  4. 1 bag of Happy Farms Shredded Cheddar Cheese (sure you could get the “Taco” cheese, but if you’re shopping at ALDI, you’re no going for authentic cuisine in the first place)
  5. 1 16 oz Happy Farms Sour Cream (buy the big one, you know, for the savings). OR, if you’re on a diet, you could get the Fit N’ Active Sour Cream
  6. 1 package Casa Mamita’s Flour Tortillas (The big ones), OR you could go hard shell, but you’re risking cutting the roof of your mouth
  7. 1 Casa Mamita’s Taco Seasoning package
  8. Jar of Casa Mamita’s Medium Salsa (or Chipotle Lime Salsa if you’re feeling wild)

Directions:

  • Finely chop the romaine heart into small pieces of lettuce. This will save time chewing later when you’re shoving this in your mouth.
  • Chop the Tomato as you like
  • Brown the ground beef in a frying pan after you spray it with Carlini Canola Cooking Spray*. Wait, did I forget to put that in with the ingredients? Well, you’ll need that too.
  • Drain the beef grease down the sink. If your plumber told you not to do that anymore, use the toilet.
  • Add Casa Mamita’s Seasoning and 1/3 CUP OF WATER. The instructions are going to tell you to use 2/3 cup of water, but if you do that, you’re gonna have a goddamn slosh pit when you go to eat. In addition, I think they say something about simmering in the seasoning for some ridiculous time period like 15 minutes. Fuck that. Once all the meat is covered in seasoning, you’re good to go.
  • Grab a tortilla and slather it in sour cream (You’ll want to do this first to get an even distribution of sour cream).
  • Pile the ingredients in any order you please on to the tortilla.
  • Eat over the sink.

Suggested Beverage Pairings:

ALDI Folded Mountains Pale Ale (Domestic)

ALDI Monterrey Cerveza (Imported)

OR

ALDI Summit Mountain Frost (For pregnant women, recovering alcoholics and people with stuff to do later)

*This is what I would use if my old lady didn’t make me use avocado oil. Very Bougie.

The Hierarchy of Utensils

4. Chopsticks

There is just better technology out there, namely the other three items on the list.  Even a set of tongs beats chopsticks.  If you’re insisting on using them to adhere to the authenticity of the dish, you should reevaluate.  If you use them because you say, “I’m good with chopsticks,” then you should consider that just because someone is good with a rotary phone, it doesn’t mean they should keep using it.

3. Fork

Good for stabbing.  The tines really provide an advantage.  And if you really think about it, the fork is basically just four really small chopsticks.  The ranking of the fork vs. the spoon was a hotly contested subject within the writer’s office, but ultimately it was decided you can eat more things with a spoon that you can eat with a fork rather than vice-versa (see item #2 for further detail).

2. Spoon

A small cup on the end of a stick.  Pretty genius really.  As mentioned in item #3, the decision between using a fork or a spoon can be vexing, but the spoon usually wins.  When I see people eating mac and cheese or fried rice with a fork, I think, “Hey, friend, you could be getting more of that into your face faster with a spoon.”  The spoon is also essential for soup and cereal.

1.  Spork

It combines all the advantages of both the fork and spoon as the portmanteau suggests.  The first believed precursor to the sprork was patented by Samuel W. Francis in 1874.  Francis’ design included a knife-edge on the utensil, which means he must have forgotten you need to stick it in your mouth.  My experience with the spork originates with Taco Bell.  The Bell is one of the great innovators of our time in the culinary world, so it’s no surprise that they are also providing state-of-the-art utensils.  Additionally the Taco Bell spork is made  from durable plastic and can either be discarded, recycled or even reused making it a winner for people of all environmental proclivities.

 

Now, I’m sure there’s a smartass reading this thinking, “Oh, yeah, sure buddy, try to eat spaghetti with a spork.”  To that person I say, “It’s easier than eating cottage cheese with chopsticks.  And I know because I’ve tried both.”

 

Affy Tapples gross…

Sorry.  “Affy Tapples” are exceedingly gross.  There are never crisp, juicy apples underneath that caramel varnish.  It’s always a bruised, yellow, soft piece of shit.  Oh, you put some shitty nuts on top to try and distract me?  Fuck you.  Where’d I buy this again?  Walgreens?  Fuck.  I’m such a moron.  Knew I shouldn’t have put 3K on the Brewers to win the NL pennant.  What the fuck was I thinking?  I need a drink…