Chicagoans Repurposing Harry Potter Costumes En Masse

Residents of Chicago are climbing over each other to get on the Loyola-Chicago bandwagon, as the team prepares for its first Final Four appearance since 1963.  But, those late to the party are just an Exacto Knife away from being in the fold.  Just get rid of that Gryffindor patch from that “Ironic” Harry Potter Halloween costume, and you’re in the game!  Go Ramblers!

Mistaken Song Lyrics: ‘Drunk on a Plane’ by Dierks Bentley

Actual lyrics:

Buyin’ drinks for everybody
But the pilot, it’s a party

What I thought:

Buyin’ drinks for everybody
Fuck the pilot, it’s a party


Well shit.  I interpreted it as the pilot coming out of the cockpit after reaching cruising altitude saying, “Hey, what’s going on back here?”

And everybody who is getting loaded in the cabin being like, “Hey, fuck you, dad, why don’t you get back in there and fly the plane and leave us the hell alone?”

I guess it makes more sense that he wasn’t buying the pilot drinks because he had to fly the plane to Cancun.

$12K for Feral Cats

This article in the Trib caught my eye yesterday. It’s about the residents of West Town raising $12,000 to care for a feral cat colony after their carektaker, a homeless man, froze to death.

Yeah, you read that right.  A human froze to death because he didn’t have proper shelter.  He was living in a makeshift shack in an alley.  But don’t worry, his colony of feral cats will be looked after.

$12,000 could have put the guy up in a decent apartment, or helped him get a job (teach a man to fish), but instead it will now go to ensuring that his colony of feral cats get only the finest IAMS.  Although, from the fundraiser page, it sounds like they have plenty of rats to eat.

Estaban Loaiza Arrested for Possession of 44lbs of Cocaine!


Former White Sox All-Star pitcher, Estaban Loaiza, was arrested for possession of 44lbs of Cocaine at his home in San Diego. Loiaza grew up in neighboring Tijuana, Mexico.

Police obtained a search warrant for Loaiza’s home when they found a sophisticated secret compartment inside of his car when he was pulled over for a minor traffic stop.
Wait, what the fuck? Estaban Loaiza?
I always remembered him as the balding, composed, White Sox pitcher who had a 20+ win season in 2003.
And now he’s moving in on El Chapo’s territory?
Loaiza earned north of $40 Million during his playing career.
Ah, hey buddy?…did ah…you not invest well?
Jesus Christ, did you piss all the $$ away?
Or are you just a thrill seeker who likes to smuggle blow across the Mexican border and then watch The Fast and The Furious when you get home?
And 44lbs? Ah…intent to sell much?
FORTY-FOUR, FUCK ME. Even if you’re having Scarface-esc cocaine parties you’d still have 41lbs left at the end of the night (morning).
We’ll, at least this does add some edginess to you.
Actually, when I really think about it, you’re kind of cooler now.
Oh well.

Secret Fat Guy

secret fat guy shirt
Secret fat guys, You know who you are…..
You’re the guy who has let himself go a little post high school/college (when you were in shape) all the while, you have maintained the appearance of an “average sized person”
You also have kept the appearance of a “skinny face,” possibly using some form of deception (Chin-Strap Beard) and the nacho and beer weight that has missed your face has been converted to ass fat and belly jiggles
You hide your man-boobs and love handles with well placed jacket, hoodie, or button up shirt

You’ve made the conversion from XL to XXL

Your friends don’t find out that you’re “that fat” until they see you up on a ladder with your gut hanging out

Secret fat guys…’re not fooling anyone….or are you?

Burger King Soda Fountain “Drink Recipes” a Sham

Who is in charge of creating “Drink Recipes” for Burger King?  What a joke.  Let’s break down these brilliant ideas…

Half & Half
1/2 Coke 1/2 Diet Coke is the laziest suggestion on here.  If consumers can’t figure this one out for themselves they need to die a quicker death. Think needle-drugs, not 2 for 1 Original Chicken sandwiches.  Extra negative points for not giving credit to Jack Black for this “new drink” when he mentioned it in 2001’s Tenacious D album on track 19 (Drive-Thru).  F+   Click.
Black & White
The fact that the “white” part of this drink is illustrated in green should alone have disqualified it from making this list.  Not to mention the fact that it already has a name.  Bar/Restaurant Ginger Ale.  Terrible.
Four Way
This one is a blatant rip off every 6-year-old knows as A Tornado.  You’re better off telling people to “just mix everything together” instead of having them understand fractions.  (Not to mention that the name is sexually suggestive and without fail always tastes like shit)
Black Gold
If you’re cutting Dr. Pepper with anything, it should be Southern Comfort, however in this case Black Gold fails because Dr. Pepper is basically perfect as a soda pop and shouldn’t be fucked with. I’ll stick with a good old original.
Dr. Pepper over a lot of ice.