Baseball’s Opening Day is finally here, and we are very excited for another season of Major League Baseball. While the bunting will be hung today, the real action will start when our predicted winner for the American League Cy Young takes the mound on April 2 against the Oakland A’s.
You guessed it….
44-year-old Texas Rangers Starting Pitcher Bartolo Colon.
St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone for another year, and local man Sean Harrington, 28, can’t help but wonder if he did it right. “It only falls on an actual Saturday every handful of years, so you gotta make sure you do it right,” he said. He spent the morning eating powder eggs and cheap domestic beer, dyed green, and then made his way on an alcohol fueled, haphazard pub crawl.
“I lost most of my friends by about 1 or 2 PM,” Harrington vaguely recalled. “My last clear memory is of doing a car bomb and then pissing in an alley. It’s like I vaguely recall puking, I think I saw some boobs, and I definitely pissed myself when I passed out on my couch, but was it enough?”
Was it enough, indeed. The question will plague Harrington until 2029, the next time St. Patrick’s Day will fall on a Saturday.
Happy Pie Day! Or Pi Day….I don’t think any of this is too official. But it’s probably a good idea to get in with the crowd on this one. I suggest going for a nice French Silk Pie from Baker’s Square.
Eat about half to three-quarters of it with a pint of milk and you’ll drift off to a nice restful sleep. I find it’s far more satisfying than taking an Acetaminophen PM (Tylenol PM is for elitists).
Today, we honor all of our President’s, but none more than William Howard Taft. His legacy is truly an inspiration to us all here at imgross. He is the only person in United States history to hold the office of both President and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. On top of that, he tipped the scales at over 350 lbs and allegedly once got his ass stuck in a bathtub. And all that before Taco Bell was founded!