Have a Gross Weekend

When I was a kid, I always thought the green Chicago River looked like the dip Judge Doom used to kill toons in ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’

Jumping in will probably earn you the same fate date as the toons.

Try to avoid urinating, vomiting or defecating on your neighbor’s lawn this weekend.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

The Hierarchy of Utensils

4. Chopsticks

There is just better technology out there, namely the other three items on the list.  Even a set of tongs beats chopsticks.  If you’re insisting on using them to adhere to the authenticity of the dish, you should reevaluate.  If you use them because you say, “I’m good with chopsticks,” then you should consider that just because someone is good with a rotary phone, it doesn’t mean they should keep using it.

3. Fork

Good for stabbing.  The tines really provide an advantage.  And if you really think about it, the fork is basically just four really small chopsticks.  The ranking of the fork vs. the spoon was a hotly contested subject within the writer’s office, but ultimately it was decided you can eat more things with a spoon that you can eat with a fork rather than vice-versa (see item #2 for further detail).

2. Spoon

A small cup on the end of a stick.  Pretty genius really.  As mentioned in item #3, the decision between using a fork or a spoon can be vexing, but the spoon usually wins.  When I see people eating mac and cheese or fried rice with a fork, I think, “Hey, friend, you could be getting more of that into your face faster with a spoon.”  The spoon is also essential for soup and cereal.

1.  Spork

It combines all the advantages of both the fork and spoon as the portmanteau suggests.  The first believed precursor to the sprork was patented by Samuel W. Francis in 1874.  Francis’ design included a knife-edge on the utensil, which means he must have forgotten you need to stick it in your mouth.  My experience with the spork originates with Taco Bell.  The Bell is one of the great innovators of our time in the culinary world, so it’s no surprise that they are also providing state-of-the-art utensils.  Additionally the Taco Bell spork is made  from durable plastic and can either be discarded, recycled or even reused making it a winner for people of all environmental proclivities.


Now, I’m sure there’s a smartass reading this thinking, “Oh, yeah, sure buddy, try to eat spaghetti with a spork.”  To that person I say, “It’s easier than eating cottage cheese with chopsticks.  And I know because I’ve tried both.”


The State of Gross

My fellow scoundrels, it is my pleasure to inform you that the State of Gross is once again strong and prosperous. For every gym motivation or ketogenic diet Instagram post, there is a person struggling to find the motivation to take out the garbage or treating themselves to plate of nachos for their birthday.

It’s true that we have taken an extended hiatus. However, I would like to assure you that most of the time was spent playing video games, picking our noses and trying out the revamped value menus at various fast food establishments. Our passion for embracing our foibles has never been stronger.

We hope that once again we can provide a few laughs and bring nuanced discussion to the otherwise ignored corners of life.

You may have noticed that content from the original site is now gone. We would like to make a convenient excuse, like we want a fresh start, but that’s simply not true. The real reasons are a lack of forward thinking, a lack of technical knowledge, and generally being too cheap to pay someone who might be able to fix it.

But, hell, that’s us. We suck. We’re gross. And we embrace that. And we hope you will too.

It’s good to be back.


(Stand and Applaud)