There’s a lot going on here:
- Cubs color commentator Jim Deshaies reacts with a highly appropriate, “Oh shit!”
- Bryant is unfortunately one of the few guys not wearing the ”Phantom of the Opera” batting helmet.
- Bryant’s helmet cartoonishly spins around one full rotation, stays on his head and finishes almost perfectly in the forward facing position
- He never leaves his feet. If I took a 96 MPH fastball to the coconut, I’m making them carry me out of there like Maximus at the end of “Gladiator”.
The news that legendary actor Tom Hanks would be playing Fred Rogers in a biopic about the esteemed host of ‘Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood’ reminded me of something.
Do you remember when we were kids and there was a rumor that Mr. Rogers was an insane Vietnam Vet who had killed hundreds of people in the war and was covered in tattoos? That’s why he had to wear the sweaters.
Well, it turns out it’s not true. Or at least Wikipedia says it’s not. The fucking internet strikes again and ruins a perfectly good urban legend.
I will be the first to admit that the first time I saw this commercial I laughed pretty hard. Perhaps because it is reminiscent of Chris Columbus’ classic ‘Home Alone’ or perhaps it is because I just enjoy a good banana peel gag. However, there is something a bit more sinister afoot in this commercial.
Domino’s thinks I’m a stupid asshole. The utter lack of confidence they have in the average consumer to get from their store to the kitchen table without dropping a pizza pie on the ground (or otherwise rendering it inedible) is astounding. But, even more aggravating is that they think it is a viable marketing tool to insure the pizza “at no cost to you.” My old man didn’t raise a fool. There is no such thing as a free pizza. This means that myself and the rest of the responsible pizza carrying public are paying for this doofus’ free pizza, all because he wasn’t responsible enough to get food, that was in a protective box, from A to B. I will take my business to Pizza Hut and save myself $0.03 in hidden fees. Caveat Emptor.
The logistics of the whole thing kind of blow my mind as well. I would say that no one could have so little pride that they would be willing to walk back into a Domino’s and admit they were not capable of taking a pizza to their home without destroying it, but I’m not that sure about people today. Yes, if this was 1991 and my dad went to get a pizza to get his four screaming asshole kids to shut the fuck up, and he somehow didn’t get the pizza home, there is no fucking way he’s going back. He’s either swinging by McDonald’s or he’s just getting on the expressway and never looking back.
Now me, I’d maybe go back, but there’s zero chance I’m asking them to give me a free pizza. My shame would force me to make up a story about how I either gave it to a more needy person or I had some unexpected guests coming for dinner and needed to purchase an additional pizza. And I’m calling that motherfucker in on my way back. There’s no way I’m sitting there for the 11-14 minutes it takes for them to prep and flash cook that thing while they all stare at me, poking holes in my bullshit story about why I need another pie.
But Dakota, he’s got no problem walking into that Domino’s saying, “Hey, maaaan, I like, dropped my zza maaaan. Good thing you guys gave me the free insurance. #blessed”