Domino’s Thinks We’re Stupid

I will be the first to admit that the first time I saw this commercial I laughed pretty hard.  Perhaps because it is reminiscent of Chris Columbus’ classic ‘Home Alone’ or perhaps it is because I just enjoy a good banana peel gag.  However, there is something a bit more sinister afoot in this commercial.

Domino’s thinks I’m a stupid asshole.  The utter lack of confidence they have in the average consumer to get from their store to the kitchen table without dropping a pizza pie on the ground (or otherwise rendering it inedible) is astounding.  But, even more aggravating is that they think it is a viable marketing tool to insure the pizza “at no cost to you.”  My old man didn’t raise a fool.  There is no such thing as a free pizza.  This means that myself and the rest of the responsible pizza carrying public are paying for this doofus’ free pizza, all because he wasn’t responsible enough to get food, that was in a protective box, from A to B.  I will take my business to Pizza Hut and save myself $0.03 in hidden fees.  Caveat Emptor.

The logistics of the whole thing kind of blow my mind as well.  I would say that no one could have so little pride that they would be willing to walk back into a Domino’s and admit they were not capable of taking a pizza to their home without destroying it, but I’m not that sure about people today.  Yes, if this was 1991 and my dad went to get a pizza to get his four screaming asshole kids to shut the fuck up, and he somehow didn’t get the pizza home, there is no fucking way he’s going back.  He’s either swinging by McDonald’s or he’s just getting on the expressway and never looking back.

Now me, I’d maybe go back, but there’s zero chance I’m asking them to give me a free pizza.  My shame would force me to make up a story about how I either gave it to a more needy person or I had some unexpected guests coming for dinner and needed to purchase an additional pizza.  And I’m calling that motherfucker in on my way back.  There’s no way I’m sitting there for the 11-14 minutes it takes for them to prep and flash cook that thing while they all stare at me, poking holes in my bullshit story about why I need another pie.

But Dakota, he’s got no problem walking into that Domino’s saying, “Hey, maaaan, I like, dropped my zza maaaan.  Good thing you guys gave me the free insurance. #blessed”

Worst Movie of all Time Nominee #71: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure sucks so bad I don’t know where to begin.

 

Fifteen years (1989/2004) after the original, Randy Quaid is back playing Cousin Eddie although you can barely tell. Its like his soul fled up to Canada to escape the “Hollywood Killers” and his sweaty, bloated body stayed back in L.A. to do this piece of shit.

The terrible plot revolves around Cousin Eddie getting fired from his job at a nuclear facility then getting bitten on the ass by his coworker (a monkey) before he leaves. Too stupid to realize he should sue, he accepts an all-expense-paid-vacation to the South Pacific for him and his family as severance. Crazy/grumpy Uncle Nick (Ed Asner) provides relief from the comedy with his courtship of attractive female tour guides and jokes about crapping. Cousin Audrey joins the clan as National Lampoon makes us endure the “Audrey just broke up with her boyfriend and will never love again” routine while Eric Idle cameos as the “English guy who gets accidentally beat up a lot” for yet another vacation. At some point, the entire family is shipwrecked on a remote island but they don’t let that ruin their Christmas! Cousin Eddie and the family survive after making drinking cups out of coconuts and clothes out of palm tree leaves!

Holy hell is this movie terrible. I think it was a Made-For-TV movie and then TV was like, “Nah, we don’t want it.” I kept thinking an ABC watermark should be in the corner of the screen. Pretty sure they made Randy Quaid do all his own stunts, too. He’s gotta be lower on the food chain than Hollywood stuntmen.

Don’tsee this movie. It’s not, “so bad its good” no matter how high you are.

Fred Willard co-stars.

The State of Gross

My fellow scoundrels, it is my pleasure to inform you that the State of Gross is once again strong and prosperous. For every gym motivation or ketogenic diet Instagram post, there is a person struggling to find the motivation to take out the garbage or treating themselves to plate of nachos for their birthday.

It’s true that we have taken an extended hiatus. However, I would like to assure you that most of the time was spent playing video games, picking our noses and trying out the revamped value menus at various fast food establishments. Our passion for embracing our foibles has never been stronger.

We hope that once again we can provide a few laughs and bring nuanced discussion to the otherwise ignored corners of life.

You may have noticed that content from the original site is now gone. We would like to make a convenient excuse, like we want a fresh start, but that’s simply not true. The real reasons are a lack of forward thinking, a lack of technical knowledge, and generally being too cheap to pay someone who might be able to fix it.

But, hell, that’s us. We suck. We’re gross. And we embrace that. And we hope you will too.

It’s good to be back.

-imgross.org

(Stand and Applaud)

$1 Nacho Fries

Taco Bell, stop drilling. You’ve struck oil. You don’t need to put that handsome son-of-a-bitch Josh Duhamel in an ad campaign to get me to try $1 nacho fries. The price is definitely right. You have an incredibly strong track record of innovation. And most importantly: I’m a fat piece of crap who loves cheese fries.

New study shows people have no idea how to be funny while inhaling helium

An independent study conducted this New Year's Eve found that a striking majority of humans just don't have what it takes to make people laugh when thrust onto the stage of saying something funny while having a higher-than-normal voice.
 
Researchers from Northwestern University recorded 150 hours of conversation at 32 different imgross-sponsored New Year's Eve parties to study why people often fumble over their words when inhaling helium from balloons.  According to the results, 97% of adult humans can not make a group of people laugh when doing so.  Subjects generally tend to get distracted by the euphoria of having a high voice (or just the event they are attending as a whole) and they forget to think about what actual words will be coming out of their mouths in the coming moments.  A microcosm of common human behavior, they simply forget to think ahead.
 
"Panic sets in, and they revert to well-known songs or xmas carols, references to television's Alvin & The Chipmunks, and some just say, 'Hi!' then laugh.  That is the worst." says Dr. Marie Davidson of NU who led research on the study.  "Composure is key.  Most people aren't funny to begin with and that, coupled with the added pressure of a self-imposed spotlight during a time when not enough oxygen gets to the brain makes for some pretty unfunny and awkward babbling."
 
The funny 3% entertained parties at all times of the night with helium-based jokes ranging from alt-fart humor to bluegrass covers and included a once in a lifetime coked up/helium-voiced verbatim interpretation of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Oscar acceptance speech at the 69th annual Academy Awards by imgross ceo Scott.
 
The study's full findings will be published sometime later this year.
 
Some suggestions for what to say while inhaling helium in the meantime, from the imgross staff:
 
"Say, 'Oh my god is this truth helium?! I have AIDS!"- Phatphucker
"Smashmouth's 'Walkin' on the Sun in more of a poem form." - alec
"The Pledge of Allegiance.  Louder." - Brohan
"Recite Nick Cage's famous 'Glass or plastic!? Glass or plastic!?!?' scene from The Rock" - Webmaster Phelps
"Shakespeare's Sonnet 30." - The Ghost of Senator Robert Bryd
"Just do your best Justin Hawkins impression." - Adam
"Who caaares?  Go Pats!" - Myles Kennefick
"This...is my butthole (pulls pants down and presents own butthole for display)." - ceo Scott

Get Off My Plane

To the woman who tried to take an “emotional support” peacock onto an airplane today: Fuck you.  If you are so damaged that you require the companionship of a such a majestic animal, then you are not emotionally equipped to fly next to me.  I don’t need a brightly colored fowl spreading his wings and knocking over my tomato juice while I’m trying to peacefully watch ‘MacGruber’ on my tablet in 12A.