My Wardrobe for Neoliberalism (Alternate Title: Modern-Day Hobo)

Neoliberal Outfit

With the free market dictating so much of society these days, I have found that my clothing, appearance, and hygiene are all directly impacted by its invisible forces.

For starters, the fleeting possibility of having grand events to celebrate any successes has brought me to wear all my nice items inappropriately to everyday situations so they don’t go to waste before I die.  Like a street bum, I use all items in my possession wisely and like a rapper I am overdressing to compensate for how poor I am.  This can also prove practical.  Getting drunk on a Tuesday in a tuxedo jacket and Ascot?  Going to come in handy when I am selling pills and bartered jewelry out of my coat to make rent.  I can also conceal a knife in here in case anyone wants to steal a kidney, or my pills.

A hat is great.  In addition to looking like the gentleman you are, they’ll keep you dry while sleeping in the rain and are easy to come by on windy days.

With all this running around, it might be tempting to take a shower.  But with the price of freshwater increasing as public infrastructure is decimated in the face of privatization, we all should get used to the idea of skipping one every once in awhile.  If you don’t have access to a shower, here’s what to do: wash your crack with damp napkins at a food restaurant bathroom – the employees won’t be the wiser as you are dressed like a gentleman ; )  Some forest preserves still have well water too, if vagrancy has brought upon you that good fortune.  When really hard up for cash and in need of a shower, barter a couple seconds of Do-It-Yourself car wash water from Uber-drivers hosing the puke off their car.  All you need is 10 seconds on spot free rinse to have a perfectly effective bidet and only in rare cases do they need to wash the whole vehicle too.  If none of these options are possible, use perfume/eau de toilette to cover up your stink.  This is what the French invented the stuff for, and everyone has old bottles lying around.  You have to do something about the smell of cigars, whiskey, jaundice, and B.O. on your person, and running freshwater + a bar of soap are not always an option!

I guess my point is you have to be resourceful and look at everything like a commodity these days.  You never know when you’ll have to give a handjob under a zoo tunnel for dope or talk your way into a country club to swipe fine china, but you can- at the very least, be prepared.

Thursday is for Lovers: Josh Duhamel and Fergie

Josh Duhamel and Fergie

Back in 2007, an acquaintance of mine claimed he was the DJ at the “Transformers” movie after party.  He said that Shia LaBeouf was so drunk he had to be escorted out, but that wasn’t the highlight of the evening.  He went on to claim that as he was out side smoking a cigarette, he saw today’s featured couple smoking what he believed to be crack cocaine together on the street.   I would have called bullshit, if only it wasn’t so plausible.

Now sell me some Nacho Fries, Duhamel, you handsome son of a bitch!

A Case of the Mondays

Bill Lumbergh

If you noticed we didn’t throw this post up for Monday until Wednesday, you’re one of our very astute, loyal readers.  For the other 7,442,999,993 people on earth, disregard.

Also, does anyone know if people still say, “A case of the Mondays”?  The movie is almost 20 years old.  I guess its cult-classic status insulates it from really becoming ironic.

so…..

WHAAAAASSSUUUUPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????

Bryant Takes a Fastball to the Dome

There’s a lot going on here:

  1. Cubs color commentator Jim Deshaies reacts with a highly appropriate, “Oh shit!”
  2. Bryant is unfortunately one of the few guys not wearing the ”Phantom of the Opera” batting helmet.
  3. Bryant’s helmet cartoonishly spins around one full rotation, stays on his head and finishes almost perfectly in the forward facing position
  4. He never leaves his feet.  If I took a 96 MPH fastball to the coconut, I’m making them carry me out of there like Maximus at the end of “Gladiator”.