Opening Day!

Baseball’s Opening Day is finally here, and we are very excited for another season of Major League Baseball.  While the bunting will be hung today, the real action will start when our predicted winner for the American League Cy Young takes the mound on April 2 against the Oakland A’s.

You guessed it….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

44-year-old Texas Rangers Starting Pitcher Bartolo Colon.

Pitch Meeting: ‘Premium Rush’

In my mind, this is how the pitch meeting went down for the 2012 film ‘Premium Rush’.

Executive #1: I’d really like to do something with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Executive #2: I love JGL

Producer: Heck yeah. But let’s do something new and exciting. What’s hot right now?

Executive #1: Human trafficking.

Executive #2: Definitely. And flash mobs.

Producer: I like where this is going.

Writer: Well, I have a screenplay about a bike messenger who went to law school but never took the bar exam because he loves the thrill of delivering packages.

Producer: Can he be simultaneously outwitting a corrupt police detective and helping a Chinese woman get her family to the States via human trafficking?

Executive #1: Yes! The Chinese woman can be his girlfriend’s roommate and she’s really disappointed he never took that bar exam.

Executive #2: I’m seeing a LOT of action in this one. This will be for bike messengers what Indiana Jones was for college professors! But what about the flash mob?

Writer: I guess he could make his final escape via a giant flash mob created by the bike messenger dispatcher you originally didn’t like that much but then redeems himself in the closing action.

Executive #1: I think we have a movie gentlemen. Finally, we have a film that will make bike messengers even more bold while weaving recklessly through the dense pedestrian and vehicle traffic of America’s major city downtown areas.

Executive #2: Judy, can we get Joe Gordon-Levitt’s agent on the line?

Marshall-ing a New Era

I got a little sad when I saw this Chris Sale t-shirt jersey priced to sell for $9.99 at Marshall’s the other day.  It was a harsh reminder that the electric left-hander was gone forever.

However, I briefly clung to a glimmer of hope when I remembered that Rob Dibble had worn #49 in his brief tenure on the South Side.

Further investigation revealed that it was indeed a Chris Sale jersey.  The sadness crept back in.  I’d have paid double the asking price for Dibble.

20th Anniversary of Viagra’s FDA Approval

Today marks 20 years since the FDA officially approved Viagra as a treatment for male impotence.  The drug was historic in that it was the first to be approved in the United States for the condition.

The pills effectiveness is evident by the fact that the Rush and Division area in Chicago has been nicknamed “The Viagra Triangle,” from the propensity for horny, performance enhanced old men to chase young women in the local drinking establishments.  The “little blue pill” has been enormously significant in restoring confidence (and boners) to men wearing designer jeans long after they should have started wearing casual trousers or khakis.

Often the question that scientist ask themselves is “Can we?” when they should be asking “Should we?” The uptick in 70-year-old dads at high school graduation should be significant in the coming years.

Chicagoans Repurposing Harry Potter Costumes En Masse

Residents of Chicago are climbing over each other to get on the Loyola-Chicago bandwagon, as the team prepares for its first Final Four appearance since 1963.  But, those late to the party are just an Exacto Knife away from being in the fold.  Just get rid of that Gryffindor patch from that “Ironic” Harry Potter Halloween costume, and you’re in the game!  Go Ramblers!