To the pedestrians that walk on the Chicago streets and sidewalks beside me,
Who the fuck do you people think you are? Who are your fucking parents? No, seriously, who raised you? Please introduce me to them so I can punch them square in the fucking nose. Because they raised you to be a complete asshole who is unaware of their surroundings. Why do you have no concept of social normalities and general public etiquette? Please let me fill you in on a few things that all us non-idiot pedestrians already know.
1. DO NOT WALK AT THE SAME PACE AS ME OR CLOSE TO ME- You’re not my fucking friend, so get the fuck away from me. I am walking by myself for a reason. If you come from around the corner and we end of pacing next to each other, either speed the fuck up or slow the fuck down. Again, I am not your friend so get the fuck away from me.
2. IF IT’S RAINING AND YOU HAVE AN UMBRELLA DON’T WALK UNDER AN AWNING- Hi see me? I’m the guy getting wet because you have your cell phone in one hand with an Akira bag dangling off your wrist with a huge golf umbrella in the other keeping you dry. If you could take a time-out from talking to “Stef” and be aware of your surroundings I could continue to stay dry.
3. IF YOU’RE WALKING 3 PEOPLE SIDE BY SIDE BY SIDE AND A PERSON COMES IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AS YOU, MAYBE ONE OF YOU SHOULD FALL IN LINE SO I DON’T HAVE TO STEP IN THE MUD YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLE- I know “I’m just some scumbag with his hood up and a beard,” but it would be great if my fucking socks could stay dry because I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me.